It is, once more, 0400hrs. Well, precisely, this very minute is 0407hrs, but you get my drift.
Drifting is not my old friend. If s/he were then maybe I could hitch a ride into sleep. I have had a couple of good night’s kip, mind. But alcohol, much alcohol, has been involved. I am told that doesn’t count.
Spring has allegedly sprung and although the sun keeps making promising appearances, the temperature is still struggling to reach double figures. The magnolia starting to bloom is a good sign.
I am struggling to reach normality. I am pushing on through. Not for a minute am I going to admit defeat. Not in public, anyhoo. Well, not face to face, at least.
You see, I am so very, very tired. Not just sleepy tired, get to bed then tired, or have a rest tired.
It is pure and it is mine. It is a constant companion. It is an old friend.
Of course, it’s to be expected after I have actually done something, like grocery shopping, or having a shower. Everyday things that seriously dip into my spoon drawer. But I know and expect that. The choices I make have a direct impact. This bedding could go another week, the kitchen floor isn’t actually dangerous (as long as you don’t eat owt that may fall upon it, no matter how few seconds it was there).
No. Sometimes it just sabotages me. Not like a friendly “creeps up on” type assault, but a violent attack. With weapons, possibly. Definitely with sheep.
I guess this is from all the muscle spasms, all the time. Mostly so minute to be invisible, but they are ongoing, persistent and very tiring. My calves/fingers/eyelids/toes/arms/thighs/whatever will begin a ticking twitch in one little place. It can stay put or expand to fill the whole limb/body part. Sometimes (mostly) it comes with a cramp. That hurts. All the time.
No, really. All. The. Time.
Right now, I have cramp from just below my right buttock down to my ankle. Meh, at least it’s just one leg, tonight.
I really want, and need, to get back to the gym. I’m sure stretching my legs will help. It did before. And my belly has reappeared, too. Not that I have put on weight again, but the flabbiness of it all! The horror!
However, I am so goddamn tired. All the time. I know it’s not a waste of time going to the gym (and it is a waste of money having this underused membership) but I have to prioritise my available energy. To be honest, the gym isn’t even in the top half of that list.
Now, I know that my friend who works at the gym would say that if I went back it would also help me sleep at night. That would be nice, but what happens is the second I get in the door after a session at the gym, I am asleep for hours. In the day. Which means that night I’ll be awake. Again. Exhausted and awake.
What the fuck is all that about?
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